Let’s talk about the Fearful/Anxious Attachment Style. This one is where an individual loves to be intimate with others (transparent and vulnerable) but is so afraid of being shamed or rejected when they open up.
Background: Growing up in an environment where emotions were very black and white; positive emotions were as intense as the negative emotions.
For instance, a mother who is intensely supportive of her kids, but when they disappoint her, she is intensely invalidating or punishing especially with words, humiliation, shaming, and guilt tripping.
One of her kids will end up with the Disorganized attachment style. Meaning they cannot TRUST the love and support they get. They are not sure if they are loved or hated.
The develop a limiting belief; I can’t trust myself, neither can I trust anyone else. Result: feelings of panic, powerlessness, helplessness, even hopelessness. Strong feelings of being alone with no hope of help.
Depending on life experience, such individuals may have difficulty maintaining strong, meaningful relationships especially if they are Choleric/Melancholic or Melancholic/Phlegmatic. So, their spouse and kids become where they “intensely seek” for connections and if they don’t find, the emotional dysregulation is overwhelming.
Tips on healing:
1) Identify your inner wounds that have gone unhealed for long. Explore your inner experience using journaling (introspective writing) and reconnect with your inner child. This is really powerfu once you have the courage to do it.
2) Avoid rationalizing what was done against you. Acknowledge it was hurtful and unjust (agree with your wounded self). This guides you to the process of letting go. Tool to use here is to write “UNSENT letters” to those who hurt you with the conclusion “I CHOOSE to let go of the pain/hurt I have carried in my heart against you. I release you. I choose to let God do the vengeance. I need my peace.”
3. Work on Trusting yourself. Each morning, look at yourself in the Mirror and cheerlead yourself. “You are blessed to be alive today even if it doesn’t feel like it. You have a day to do excellently today. Let us try to make it a great day.” Then PLAN for the day!
4. In the evening, evaluate the day and celebrate each WIN no matter how small. Do this for 21 days until the struggle to do it reduces. Replace the critical voice with “I know that is how you feel, however, there is also the truth that you really did well today (and identify the things that you did well.) It is okay to remind yourself redemptively, “You tend to be quite hard on yourself. How about today we add the celebrate self tab to it?”
5. Work on creating communities where people accept you just the way you are and you do not have to prove yourself. Become aware of such people in your life and increase your intentional connecting with them so you can increase feelings of safety with others.
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