A long time ago, I went through a difficult breakup. Emotional pain is real, y’all! 🤨 It feels like you are dying, but death doesn’t come. You just want relief—it’s crazy. Any-hoo…
During that period, 1 Peter 5:10 was a lifesaver for me:
“And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.”
This scripture carried me through that year. By the way, it takes approximately two years to fully regain your footing after a breakup. The healing process generally follows three stages:
The First 6 Months: Mourning and Emotional Turmoil
The first six months feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Your thoughts, moods, and emotions fluctuate wildly as you process the loss. This is the mourning period—look up the grief process to understand how natural and necessary this phase is.
The Second 6 Months: Stability and Closure
In the next six months, you begin to build some “ground under your feet.” The feeling of being lost and suspended in mid-air subsides. The confusion in your mind clears, and the longing for validation diminishes. At times during this phase, you may have a conversation with your ex that provides some sort of closure, allowing you to give yourself permission to move on.
The Final 12 Months: Rebuilding and Thriving
The final year is about rebuilding your sense of self, embracing lessons, and thriving. It requires patience and curiosity, rather than fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 becomes the guiding scripture for this stage:
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.”
The Gift of Self-Empathy
Last night, during our book club session, we spoke extensively about practicing empathy toward ourselves. Allowing yourself to feel and grow through pain is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Healing is not just about moving on; it’s about reflaming your soul. Here’s how:
- Acknowledge your hurt, loss, and betrayal. Do not suppress or deny your pain.
- Sit with your emotions. Do not try to escape them. If you must escape, escape into God’s presence. Sit with Him until the storm passes. If you have unresolved issues with God, use this time to work through them. I remember telling Him, “Lord, where can I go? You have the words of eternal life.” (John 6:68)
- Seek answers, don’t just ask ‘Why?’ When you find yourself asking why this happened, actively seek answers rather than falling into despair. Answers will come in time.
- Reject helpless and hopeless thoughts. Ask yourself: What did I gain from this relationship that I now feel powerless without?
Understanding Trauma Bonds
Breakups can feel devastating because of something called a trauma bond. A trauma bond occurs when your ex added something vital to your emotional survival, and when they leave, your system goes into shock. Your mind craves balance and desperately seeks a way to regain it. The quicker you resolve this stage of grief, the faster healing comes.
I won’t sugarcoat it—this process isn’t easy. Every morning, you must choose between:
- Sitting in your pain (wallowing) or sitting with your pain (processing).
- Introspecting (learning) or ruminating (dwelling).
- Self-hating or self-empathy.
Why I Wrote This Post
My biggest concern is the rising cases of intimate partner violence, including murder-suicides. This is a deep and complex issue, and we need to talk about it more. What I shared here is just a small part of what relational trauma can do to a person.
Love is a powerful emotion, and when it turns sour, it can create equally strong emotions that can overwhelm the brain, sometimes leading to irrational and dangerous actions. We need to take better care of ourselves and each other by building emotional resilience.
Let us also stay alert when our loved ones express deep emotional pain due to relationship struggles. Instead of withdrawing from God in times of distress, may we reflame our souls by walking with Him.
May God help us heal. 🙏
