A romantic and emotionally intense relationship – that’s what an affair is described as. There is an excitement and passion that comes with many affairs. Unfortunately, these have to be hidden from the world. People are known to make an extra effort to keep affairs hidden as they sneak around. Well….it’s not really something to be proud of, is it? And in contrast, genuine love is one that the partners want to express freely and share with the world. No sneaking around, no hiding, no anxiety about getting caught. What if I told you that you can have the best kind of affair?
The thrill that is associated with having an affair has led to quite a number of couples asking me how they can have an affair with each other – how they can reignite the passion and the excitement that they once experienced in the earlier stages of their relationship. Instead of seeking this excitement elsewhere, they are looking to have it together as a couple.
It is important to note that many affairs happen because there is an emotional need that is not being met in the marriage.
To have an affair with your spouse, you need to create new interest in each other. Remember the times when you would talk for hours on end? Remember how excited you were about getting to know about each other and what was happening in each other’s lives? To maintain and sustain passion in your marriage, you need to make the effort to continually get to know your partner. People do not remain the same. We are changing and evolving continuously. So how well do you know your spouse now as opposed to the day you first met?
To develop passion, you need to have an interest in this person that you chose to spend the rest of your life with. A disconnect within your marriage can easily lead to affairs. So how do you prevent this? You make the decision together, to create the connection again. Have interest in your spouse, and get to know the person that they are today. Remember, they have changed, as have you. What are their fears now? What’s on your mind? What are your unspoken expectations? What are your dreams? What is one thing you would like to do?
Couples who continually grow in knowing each other and having interest in each other instead of constantly criticizing each other are constantly saying, “ Tell me more…I am upset about this thing that you keep doing. Tell me more about why you keep doing it.”
Holding space for your spouse.
Holding space is defined as being present for someone without any judgment. It means you are giving someone your time – listening to them attentively, without wanting anything in return. It involves practicing empathy and compassion.
When you ‘hold space’ for your spouse, what you are doing is giving them undivided attention. You get to listen to them with compassion and postpone any judgment. This way, you get to understand them. To create passion in your relationship, you need to have interest and curiosity in your spouse. Is that something that you believe you can do?
Remember how you used to be, and the things that you used to love to do together. You can do those activities that you used to enjoy. Reignite the joy of spending time together. In addition, now that you are still changing, find new activities that you can both enjoy doing together. Learn what your spouse enjoys, and let them learn what you enjoy too. Occasional accompany each other to your activities of interest, even as you create time for your mutual activities. Remember it is important to set aside time for the two of you. It could be going out dancing every Thursday or out to the movies on Saturday nights. Even when the family grows and there are children in the family now, it is still very important to make time for your relationship. Your relationship is not going to grow, unless you are consistently sowing into it. If you want passion, sow it into the relationship! As the saying goes, we reap what we sow. What are you willing to sow into your relationship to enhance it?
There are things that can hinder you from having a passionate relationship. One of these is resentment. Over time, things that have not been resolved may build into resentment and kill the passion in your relationship. This would be the time to invest in at least 6 sessions of marital therapy. Seek the services of a professional marriage counselor and express your concerns. Sometimes, it could be that you are experiencing loneliness in your marriage yet your partner is physically present. Go for the sessions together and get help in rebuilding your relationship.
Friendship in marriage is very important in sustaining the relationship. Having your spouse as your friend builds emotional and physical intimacy. When you share friendship as a couple, you feel safe enough to be more open with each other and not worry about being judged or feeling insecure. The friendship is built and maintained by having interest in each other, doing things together, helping each other, doing things together and having good will towards each other.
Do you feel ready to have an affair with your spouse?
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