THE BEST KIND OF AFFAIR

A romantic and emotionally intense relationship – that’s what an affair is described as. There is an excitement and passion that comes with many affairs. Unfortunately, these have to be hidden from the world. People are known to make an extra effort to keep affairs hidden as they sneak around. Well….it’s not really something to be proud of, is it? And in contrast, genuine love is one that the partners want to express freely and share with the world. No sneaking around, no hiding, no anxiety about getting caught. What if I told you that you can have the best kind of affair?

The thrill that is associated with having an affair has led to quite a number of couples asking me how they can have an affair with each other – how they can reignite the passion and the excitement that they once experienced in the earlier stages of their relationship. Instead of seeking this excitement elsewhere, they are looking to have it together as a couple.

It is important to note that many affairs happen because there is an emotional need that is not being met in the marriage.

To have an affair with your spouse, you need to create new interest in each other. Remember the times when you would talk for hours on end? Remember how excited you were about getting to know about each other and what was happening in each other’s lives? To maintain and sustain passion in your marriage, you need to make the effort to continually get to know your partner. People do not remain the same. We are changing and evolving continuously. So how well do you know your spouse now as opposed to the day you first met?

To develop passion, you need to have an interest in this person that you chose to spend the rest of your life with. A disconnect within your marriage can easily lead to affairs. So how do you prevent this? You make the decision together, to create the connection again. Have interest in your spouse, and get to know the person that they are today. Remember, they have changed, as have you. What are their fears now? What’s on your mind? What are your unspoken expectations? What are your dreams? What is one thing you would like to do?

Couples who continually grow in knowing each other and having interest in each other instead of constantly criticizing each other are constantly saying, “ Tell me more…I am upset about this thing that you keep doing. Tell me more about why you keep doing it.”

Holding space for your spouse.

Holding space is defined as being present for someone without any judgment. It means you are giving someone your time – listening to them attentively, without wanting anything in return. It involves practicing empathy and compassion.

When you ‘hold space’ for your spouse, what you are doing is giving them undivided attention. You get to listen to them with compassion and postpone any judgment. This way, you get to understand them. To create passion in your relationship, you need to have interest and curiosity in your spouse. Is that something that you believe you can do?

Remember how you used to be, and the things that you used to love to do together. You can do those activities that you used to enjoy. Reignite the joy of spending time together. In addition, now that you are still changing, find new activities that you can both enjoy doing together. Learn what your spouse enjoys, and let them learn what you enjoy too. Occasional accompany each other to your activities of interest, even as you create time for your mutual activities. Remember it is important to set aside time for the two of you. It could be going out dancing every Thursday or out to the movies on Saturday nights. Even when the family grows and there are children in the family now, it is still very important to make time for your relationship. Your relationship is not going to grow, unless you are consistently sowing into it. If you want passion, sow it into the relationship! As the saying goes, we reap what we sow. What are you willing to sow into your relationship to enhance it?

There are things that can hinder you from having a passionate relationship. One of these is resentment. Over time, things that have not been resolved may build into resentment and kill the passion in your relationship. This would be the time to invest in at least 6 sessions of marital therapy. Seek the services of a professional marriage counselor and express your concerns. Sometimes, it could be that you are experiencing loneliness in your marriage yet your partner is physically present. Go for the sessions together and get help in rebuilding your relationship.

Friendship in marriage is very important in sustaining the relationship. Having your spouse as your friend builds emotional and physical intimacy. When you share friendship as a couple, you feel safe enough to be more open with each other and not worry about being judged or feeling insecure. The friendship is built and maintained by having interest in each other, doing things together, helping each other, doing things together and having good will towards each other.

Do you feel ready to have an affair with your spouse?

The Youtube video link to this topic




THE ROOT OF ANGER

 

This month of September, I have been conducting group classes on childhood and parental wounds. One of the topics that we touched on in the highly interactive sessions, is ANGER.

Anger comes from a space of feeling unsafe. When you think about the fight / flight response to stress, usually it comes from not feeling okay or safe. Your system will then produce adrenalin to keep you ready for action to protect yourself from the perceived sense of danger.

When you have grown up in a home where there were chaos all the time, what happens is your system becomes accustomed to staying in crisis mode and over time you may develop anxiety.

Anxiety is the fear of the unknown and the need to have control.

When you are losing that control or have no predictability or consistency – you don’t know what is going to happen – you go into an anger stage. The people around you are going to experience your high levels of frustration, anger and even sometimes rage. Why? Because you have been accustomed to feeling unsafe. That is how you find that people develop hyper-vigilance where they are constantly watching over their shoulder and constantly feeling afraid. People also develop phobias like a fear of enclosed spaces because they don’t feel safe – ‘If there is no escape, then I am not going to feel safe over there.’

These things are often triggered by our feeling unsafe when we were growing up. Some of us, through some work and sometimes through spiritual resources, will eventually develop a feeling of safety. If you are more outgoing or more aggressive and you have anger issues, you are likely to fight and have rage and you are always ready for a fight. If you are not aggressive in that way, you become passive aggressive where you turn your anger inside. This means that you will not express it but it is going to show up. Sometimes you develop high blood pressure or depression because of all this anger that you keep inside when you do not feel free to express it.

If you often feel unsafe, you again go into self-preservation and you will experience outward anger where you are aggressive towards others or you turn that anger inside which is what we might call passive aggression. When you turn that anger inside, you can develop panic attacks because that is a lot of negative energy that you have turned inwards.

Remember that because you are constantly on alert mode, then your body is going to be unable to manage that level of adrenalin in your body. You then begin to feel dizzy and like you cannot breathe and sometimes you can faint. This is because the body has been triggered so much and it feels it is unsafe and unable to manage the high alert. That is how you end up feeling that you are not breathing very well and you pass out. That feeling of being unsafe is very terrifying.

Where anger that is rooted in a childhood where you were never allowed to speak up or you internalized a lot of anger as a child, that can over time develop into anxiety disorders like panic attacks ,PTSD and even depression. This is where you constantly feel that you are a victim of life…a victim of others…you can’t say no to people…you get so mad…you isolate yourself and don’t want to come out and speak out and if you do, you usually react so badly that you could end up in a hospital or a police station for assault.

It is very important, if you have issues with anger, to look back into your childhood and see whether your current situations are triggering unresolved issues of holding on to anger, grief or feelings of betrayal from back when you were a child.

It is very beneficial to look back to where you have been so that you can dump out what you don’t need any more and now you can unlearn some unhealthy coping mechanisms. You can then enjoy your life now and not carry all this baggage that you have carried over the years

If these are issues that you are struggling with, feel free to get in touch with me for personalized sessions where we can chart a way forward for you.

We will continue to hold the classes on childhood wounds every Saturday night this October, on Zoom. They are at an affordable cost of Ksh 375 only, and open to people from all parts of the world.

You can email us on info@gracekariuki.co.ke or Whatsapp +254797490404 for more information

As always, I encourage you to continue to live by design.

 

My Youtube video on this topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQj7_Hp8e0g

DADDY ISSUES

Picture this: A six year old girl who loves to act, sing, and day dream. She is casted into the role of Jesus

in a Sunday School skit on the Temptations of Jesus. She does such a great job that the whole church is

heartily clapping at her performance. This approval from the church boosts her energy and she skips all

the way home singing a song. When she gets home, her uncle calls her and says, “You have such a

beautiful voice. Can you sing that song again so I can record it?” She grins from cheek to cheek and

heartily sings her favorite song, “It’s a hard life to live without Jesus in your heart..”

As she is finishing the last verse, another male member of her family comes over and asks, “What are

you guys doing?” Proudly, Uncle says, “Oh, I was recording her singing. She has such a beautiful voice.”

The male family member kind of shrugs his shoulders with a “Oh.” And walks away. The joy that had

filled up the 6 year old girl suddenly disappears like a deflating balloon. And her eyes look down while

her shoulders go “slump” with disappointment.

Why was that male family member’s reaction to her singing such a damper on her spirits? Because that

male family member was the 6 year old’s daddy.

See, I will never forget that scene. I felt rejected and disregarded by my daddy when he did not

recognize my gift and talent. His reaction to my singing communicated the message that I was not good

enough. I internalized the message that I was not that important to him. Everyone else celebrated my

gift and talent, but he didn’t. Why did I put such importance on his approval and validation of my

abilities? Why was it so important for me to receive his approval?

From then on, I found myself always working hard to find approval from others. I made sure that I acted

right so that I did not disappoint anyone in my life. I avoided mistakes as much as I could to be perfect

and acceptable. However, I would fail numerous times and those times I would feel horrible about

myself.

The experience above is what I like to call “daddy issues.” I have met many individuals, both male and

female, who struggle so much with feelings of low self-worth and esteem because they did not receive

the kind of approval and acceptance they expected from their dads. Some of them are depressed,

unhappy with life, they push hard to achieve, they feel anxious and apprehensive about life, they

struggle with anger, and wonder how they can find true joy in their lives. They also struggle in intimate

relationships and tend to be very defensive and angry. A little sign of disapproval from their partners is

met with anger and frustration.

We were created to receive our sense of worth and value from our Fathers. That is what psychologists tell us.

I have a video on my Youtube channel where you can get to learn more about ‘Daddy issues’ for both men and women – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imGlCzTuWaU

I want my JOY back!

How to silence the negative thoughts that are robbing you of  joy

 

Did you know that each time you feel a mood change there is a negative thought that has intruded into your mind? Our feelings are so strong that they affect our actions, our interactions with others, and how we go about our daily activities. Trouble begins the moment we allow negative mental chatter to take over. The good news, however, is that you have the power to control your thoughts instead of letting them control you.

 

Anytime you hear that inner voice whispering negativity, be very keen to take action as soon as possible. Here are a  couple of ways to reduce that negative mental chatter that robs you of peace and joy.

 

Practice Daily Gratitude and Appreciation

 

Most people are always complaining about what they don’t have until they forget about what they already have.Instead of focusing and obsessing on what you don’t have, can’t fix, can’t change, can’t can’t, start to look at what you have and be grateful.

 

Once you get into the habit of daily gratitude and appreciation, you will discover that your life is not as messy as you might have thought. In fact, you realize how privileged you are and the small and big things you have been taking for granted. You could even get a gratitude journal where you list all the things you are grateful about every morning or before you get to bed.

 

Learn to empathize with yourself and others

 

Nobody is perfect – neither you, nor your friends, your family, kids, colleagues or spouse. Replace the negative evaluation of your mistakes and misdeeds with tangible reasons as to why it happened. This is different from giving excuses. Take a mental walk back to how this happened from the beginning and cut yourself some slack. Be compassionate and gracious to yourself and others. If there is anything you can do to avoid a repeat of the mishap, focus on that instead of crying over spilled milk. Take the lessons the situation in the past presents.  Fight the shame that keeps you from doing a “post-mortem” of that which you regret.  It will be more helpful to your current and future as it gives you a way to change the self-condemning narrative.  It will also help you to offer compassion to yourself.

 

Try to stay away from black and white thinking

This is the kind of thinking where you view things as being on extreme ends, “the either or” way of thinking. It denies you the chance to accommodate anything in between and what this kind of rigid thinking does is steal your joy and peace of mind. For instance, you do something, and only expect perfect results. When this doesn’t happen, you start beating yourself too hard over it and thinking that you are such a failure.

 

While you should always aim for excellence in life, learn to be flexible in your thinking. If something doesn’t meet your expectations, think of it as a lesson and not a failure. Don’t allow yourself to be a victim of circumstances whereas you can make the choice to be a survivor, a student of life. And about choices, always remember that even though the first emotion you feel is automatic, you have all the power to control how that thought and emotion progress. Be incharge!

 

Positive affirmations

 

Whenever negative thoughts crawl into your mind whispering to you that you are not good enough, show them that you are the boss and not them. If a voice says “You are not good enough” say out loud and affirm that you are none of that. You could say “I am amazing. I am handsome/beautiful, I am a hardworker and I am doing everything possible to get where I want to be.” “Just because I made a mistake does not mean I won’t accomplish my goals.”  See the negative thinking as a reminder to “celebrate yourself” and do what I call a “personal pep-talk.”  Once you muster the habit of chanting positive affirmations, you will find that there’s little or no space in your mind to accommodate negative mind chatter.

 

Live for a purpose greater than yourself

 

With all the chatter about self love and choosing yourself, we have to find balance and not become hedonistic. We have to realize that it’s not always about us. That in as much as we choose to self-protect, we have to do so with caution lest we step on other people’s toes. Watch your ego so that you don’t move from one extreme to the other.

 

Self love is about self acceptance, self confidence as well as treating others with grace and compassion. This includes telling them when they cross your boundaries, and setting consistent and clear boundaries with those who continue to “walk into your yard” without much thought to your feelings or well-being.

 

The most  important thing you must always remember is that you have the power and authority to control negative mental chatter. Never forget that.