I want my JOY back!

How to silence the negative thoughts that are robbing you of  joy

 

Did you know that each time you feel a mood change there is a negative thought that has intruded into your mind? Our feelings are so strong that they affect our actions, our interactions with others, and how we go about our daily activities. Trouble begins the moment we allow negative mental chatter to take over. The good news, however, is that you have the power to control your thoughts instead of letting them control you.

 

Anytime you hear that inner voice whispering negativity, be very keen to take action as soon as possible. Here are a  couple of ways to reduce that negative mental chatter that robs you of peace and joy.

 

Practice Daily Gratitude and Appreciation

 

Most people are always complaining about what they don’t have until they forget about what they already have.Instead of focusing and obsessing on what you don’t have, can’t fix, can’t change, can’t can’t, start to look at what you have and be grateful.

 

Once you get into the habit of daily gratitude and appreciation, you will discover that your life is not as messy as you might have thought. In fact, you realize how privileged you are and the small and big things you have been taking for granted. You could even get a gratitude journal where you list all the things you are grateful about every morning or before you get to bed.

 

Learn to empathize with yourself and others

 

Nobody is perfect – neither you, nor your friends, your family, kids, colleagues or spouse. Replace the negative evaluation of your mistakes and misdeeds with tangible reasons as to why it happened. This is different from giving excuses. Take a mental walk back to how this happened from the beginning and cut yourself some slack. Be compassionate and gracious to yourself and others. If there is anything you can do to avoid a repeat of the mishap, focus on that instead of crying over spilled milk. Take the lessons the situation in the past presents.  Fight the shame that keeps you from doing a “post-mortem” of that which you regret.  It will be more helpful to your current and future as it gives you a way to change the self-condemning narrative.  It will also help you to offer compassion to yourself.

 

Try to stay away from black and white thinking

This is the kind of thinking where you view things as being on extreme ends, “the either or” way of thinking. It denies you the chance to accommodate anything in between and what this kind of rigid thinking does is steal your joy and peace of mind. For instance, you do something, and only expect perfect results. When this doesn’t happen, you start beating yourself too hard over it and thinking that you are such a failure.

 

While you should always aim for excellence in life, learn to be flexible in your thinking. If something doesn’t meet your expectations, think of it as a lesson and not a failure. Don’t allow yourself to be a victim of circumstances whereas you can make the choice to be a survivor, a student of life. And about choices, always remember that even though the first emotion you feel is automatic, you have all the power to control how that thought and emotion progress. Be incharge!

 

Positive affirmations

 

Whenever negative thoughts crawl into your mind whispering to you that you are not good enough, show them that you are the boss and not them. If a voice says “You are not good enough” say out loud and affirm that you are none of that. You could say “I am amazing. I am handsome/beautiful, I am a hardworker and I am doing everything possible to get where I want to be.” “Just because I made a mistake does not mean I won’t accomplish my goals.”  See the negative thinking as a reminder to “celebrate yourself” and do what I call a “personal pep-talk.”  Once you muster the habit of chanting positive affirmations, you will find that there’s little or no space in your mind to accommodate negative mind chatter.

 

Live for a purpose greater than yourself

 

With all the chatter about self love and choosing yourself, we have to find balance and not become hedonistic. We have to realize that it’s not always about us. That in as much as we choose to self-protect, we have to do so with caution lest we step on other people’s toes. Watch your ego so that you don’t move from one extreme to the other.

 

Self love is about self acceptance, self confidence as well as treating others with grace and compassion. This includes telling them when they cross your boundaries, and setting consistent and clear boundaries with those who continue to “walk into your yard” without much thought to your feelings or well-being.

 

The most  important thing you must always remember is that you have the power and authority to control negative mental chatter. Never forget that.

The Green Ribbon

Happy new month! This month of May, the world sheds more light on matters pertaining to mental health. In the recent past, owing to the worrying spread of the Corona Virus pandemic, mental health has become a great concern that is not only being addressed by the medical profession but by governments as well.

The green ribbon is used as a symbol for mental health worldwide.

So, what is mental health?

It is the emotional, psychological and mental well-being of an individual. If someone is experiencing stress due to changes in their environment, their mental health will be adversely affected and they will experience feelings of fear, anxiety or low moods.

And…..why is it so important?

Well…because it impacts a person’s thought processes which impart their emotions and their behavior. Good mental health results in positive feelings while bad mental health results in negative feelings and behaviours.

It is quite easy to identify when there is a problem. Symptoms of intense fear, sadness, lack of interest in things they used to do, low motivation, low energy levels, feelings of anger and frustrations over things that didn’t bother them before, fear of the unknown, feeling like they do not matter (“No one cares about me…”), too many problems they feel they have no solutions for, low sense of self confidence, esteem, worth or value, regrets, guilt, shame are all pointers that all is not well.

Behaviors to cope would include isolating from social situations, change in appetite and sleep patterns, avoiding taking care of responsibilities, anger outbursts, giving silent treatment to close people, consuming alcohol excessively, overspending, not taking care of themselves or their environment (showering, cleaning the house), mindlessly watching TV or excessively engaging in social media, etc.

Treatment with medication for depression (low mood) and for anxiety (high levels of fear) is an option for some. One would need an evaluation by a psychiatrist to get the needed medications. For depression, the need for medication comes in especially if the individual is constantly feeling suicidal and has a plan to execute it. The anti-depressants help to up their mood and clear the mind to identify options and solutions to their situations that have triggered the hopelessness. The use of medication usually goes hand in hand with therapy, so that the individual is equipped with knowledge and skills on how to cope with the challenges they are facing. These skills are useful not just for the period of treatment with medication, but for life.

How do we maintain good mental health? 

-Take care of your physical body by eating a well-balanced diet.

-Get enough sleep and rest.

-Engage in physical exercise.

-Get regular medical check-up and treatment.

-Keep your body hydrated by drinking at least 8 glasses of water daily.

-Take care of your physical appearance (showering, clean clothes, brushing teeth, keeping a neat hair do, basic physical self-care).

-Keep your environment clear and decluttered.

-Take care of your emotional, psychological and mental well-being through connecting with others (socializing with friends, family, colleagues, chamas, church, etc).

-Journaling (decluttering your mind).

-Meditation.

-Talking to a therapist/coach to learn skills in problem solving, managing stress, decision making, setting boundaries with others, assertiveness training, financial management, parenting skills, relational skills. All these skills helps one to learn how to manage their lives so that they can manage the normal stress of living.

On emotional health, working on self awareness (personality & temperaments) is key to increasing feelings of self worth and esteem which is a big cause of mental and emotional disturbance and challenges.

If one has had any kind of traumatic experience, it is important to seek mental health counseling to address the past experiences that have caused the negative emotions.

On the spiritual part, it is important to practice spiritual self-care through rituals like religious activities, having a strong belief in a higher power, having a sense of purpose in life, and joining others in the faith community for communal worship and scripture reading and exposition. These practices help a lot in feeling connected to the goodness of life and the hope of living.

Mental health issues are very real and not to be taken lightly. Let’s talk about our youth.

Many of us, especially those in their 20’s are at risk for mental and emotional challenges, the inability to rise above the stresses of life. Those mostly at risk are those who have little or no social and family support. It makes it harder to manage these thoughts and feelings without the help of community. Experiences of rejection and abandonment as well as abuse of all manner put you at risk of mental and emotional and psychological disturbances. In addition, loss of parents at an early age can also trigger the onset of mood disorders once a person hits teenage-hood into young adulthood.

Other risk factors are when individuals grow up in very sheltered homes. You will find them unable to transition effectively into young adulthood especially how to navigate through the new world of freedom to get into romantic relationships. The joy of romance can lead to the most painful experiences when love goes sour or consequences like unplanned pregnancy or contracting sexually transmitted infections hit. These are realities our young people are experiencing now more than ever. We really need to do our best to offer support and information to our young generation rather than judging and shaming them.

Another risk factor is use and abuse of psychoactive drugs and alcohol. Once young people are exposed to the substances, they can begin the process of developing addiction to them. Most are introduced to them during social gatherings and peer pressure can be the motivator to continue ingesting these substances. Before they know it, they are hooked and it becomes an effective way to escape the normal emotional ups and downs of teenage and young adult living. The use of alcohol makes depression worse. Many tell me they use it as a sleep aid while others find that alcohol helps them numb their feelings. Then use of stimulants like weed, cocaine and others, gives them a quick high and feeling of confidence as well as a burst of energy (alertness). These substances are however detrimental to mental and physical health over time.

It may come as a surprise, but there are sexual behaviours that put many at risk for depression and anxiety. These include masturbation, attraction to same sex, pornography and other sexuality issues. We also factor in sexual violence, which is very common in this age-group. Sexual violence is the general term used to describe any kind of unwanted sexual acts, such as sexual assault, rape and sexual abuse. In the case of masturbation, there’s a sense of shame and guilt that increases feelings of low self-worth and esteem. There’s a lot of insecurity associated with this as well. When I work with such individuals, I treat it as an addiction. Reconstruction of thought patterns seems to provide opportunities for healing from the behaviour, especially when they understand the ‘why’ of it.

Mental healthcare is an integral part of our general health, and being mentally healthy boosts our productivity, relationships and ability to adapt to the changes in our lives.

How is YOUR mental health? Feel free to reach out to me if this article has raised some concern about your wellbeing or that of a loved one.

I am here, if you need someone to walk with you.

Grace.