Recently, I have had a very strong desire to write my story as a single woman for 39 years. This has especially come about after I have received many inbox messages asking me how I did it. Apparently, there are many Christian women in their 30’s who are single and anxious about marriage and having children. They seem to be worried about their “biological clock” among other things.
I have decided that I will write my story and document how I was able to remain faithful to my faith and values while single. I have never really thought through how I did it and I believe this has triggered me to think about my process. I am excited about this project and even though I have no clue how I will do it, I am very optimistic that I will be able to write it.
I have always wanted to write a book. I remember years back writing a script or some sort of skit based on my own inner struggle in relationships, both romantic and with myself. Unfortunately, I misplaced that script and couldn’t find it. At that time, I was trying to sort through my deep feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. It was a way of coping and managing my strong feelings of self-loathing. I used to feel quite unacceptable and found myself with many conflicts within. Writing became one of the ways I would try to sort through those thoughts and feelings.
I remember days that I would feel as if I was watching my life rather than living it. It is crazy to even think about those days where I used to feel like I am living in a daze. Oh my, what a time! I used to feel as if I had absolutely no control over anything in my life. I lived in a lot of fear and uncertainty and many at times, I just dreaded waking up as if things would just happen and I would have no control over them. The only thing I felt I could control was my thoughts and that’s why writing was so freeing to me. I used to daydream a lot.
Thinking back to that time, it feels like I would disassociate quite a bit to manage my feelings and thoughts. I am yet to truly understand that. I do believe that somewhere during this process of writing my first book, I will figure it out. I even remember avoiding pictures and then also having this deep desire to take pictures. I would spend long periods of time staring at my pictures and scrutinizing everything. Like I was trying to study myself. Like I didn’t really know who this person was! Really some deep stuff there.
I would later go through some personal awareness process that would lead me to embrace who I am and even look at my body on the mirror without feeling bad about how I looked. I slowly started accepting me and embracing myself, even my physical body. Not liking myself, translated into not talking good care of myself. It’s as if I felt I did not deserve to look good. I didn’t really care about how I looked. As long as I was clothed and washed, I did not go out of my way to make myself look good. I didn’t dress good or make my hair or nails or even wear makeup.
I do remember the first time I went to the salon and put a perm on my hair, one young man in our church singing team said to me, “Grace, something is different about you. You look radiant and bright.” I knew what it was. I had taken a little interest in how I looked. I had permed my hair, worn a bit of make up, and that alone had changed how I looked. It also changed how I felt. I started feeling beautiful. And even to dare believe that I was acceptable.
I realized how much I felt unacceptable! That was the beginning of my journey of embracing myself.
